Marth the Morth
by LittleBlueNayru
Summary: Marth was perfectly happy to leave Toon Link to his mad-scientist weirdness as long as Toon Link kept his mad-scientist weirdness away from Marth. Unfortunately, that didn't work out so well, and now Marth needs Toon Link's hand - both of them, actually - in getting his normal body back.
1. Prologue: The Accident

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination, which is currently rabid and on the loose. If you see it, do NOT engage, but contact the proper authorities.

After over a year of not posting things, I make my less-than-glorious return posting what, I don't even know. I originally had this idea years ago and never got around to writing a story about it. However, since I do want to write more in the future, as well as get back in the groove of putting things up here, why not?

Presenting: _Marth the Morth_! A crack adventure story that currently has little to no plot. Hope you enjoy this prologue.

* * *

The Accident

If Marth had known what terrible fate would befall him later that afternoon, he would have insisted that his fellow smashers stick to battles instead of football.

It seemed a good idea at the time; the business of inducting new members into the Smash Mansion and conducting the time-consuming, exhausting, and injury-inducing spectacle that was the Grand Commencement Battle Tourney had worn all of the Smashers out quite thoroughly and left none of them wishing to engage in another brawl for at least a week. Master Hand and Crazy Hand had holed themselves up in their mysterious offices; Master Hand to work, and Crazy Hand to make that task as impossible as he could.

At Roy's suggestion, many of the Smashers formed two teams of football, a makeshift football field, and their own modified set of rules (Sonic, for instance, had a speed limit of 9 meters per second, which he hotly contested). It took a whole day to make the list of rules itself, and left quite a lot of people in a bad mood. Pit agreed to paint the field lines that evening and let the paint set overnight. The game would start after everyone had lunch and waited long enough to make sure it wouldn't be tasted a second time after a few downs.

Despite the obvious potential for conflagration and disputes, the football game proceeded rather civilly through a good three-quarters of the game. There was only one instance where Mario decided to use Pit's head as a springboard that really caused disruption, but the fight broke up before it could get out of hand.

"Marth, you're pretty fast. Run for the endzone as fast as you can and I'll peg the ball to you," Ike muttered as their team huddled together to discuss their next play.

"All right," Marth nodded, only vaguely listening to the rest of the players as they discussed their own strategies for making the play work. There shouldn't be too much problem. With Marth's agility and speed and Ike's throwing arm, all the other teammates needed to do was distract the other team from their true intentions. Not that there was much doubt, with Ike and his monster arms in quarterback position...

The huddle broke, and Marth crouched, ready to spring.

"HIKE!"

Marth immediately broke into a sprint, but Samus must have guessed who Ike would throw to, because Marth found her hot on his trail. He heard a few cries of dismay from his teammates and some of Samus' attempting to follow them before leaving Marth to be tackled by her. In the end, it didn't matter that Marth had screwed up the play, because Ike managed to do even worse. All the players winced as a huge _CRASH_ echoed from a third-story window, causing a shower of glass from a broken window.

"Great job, Ike," Samus snorted as she climbed off of Marth. The knight got to his feet and shook imaginary dirt off his clothes, more annoyed that he had fumbled the play than that Ike had lost their football. Ike had the decency to look apologetic, but that was quickly replaced by, "Soooo... who wants to go get it?"

"Nosegoes!" Young Link shouted.

Marth attempted to place his finger on his nose, only to overestimate the force needed for the action. His muffled groan of pain made everyone turn towards him and laugh as they saw that he had all but punched himself in the nose.

He glared at all of them. "Hey, at least I don't have to get it," he retorted.

"I said Nose _goes_, not Nose _game_, smart one," Young Link said with a roll of his eyes. "So hurry up."

The prince was now so annoyed with a good number of things that he didn't even bother to contest the game. With a lot of muffled curses, he turned away from the football group and marched away. He would take his good sweet time getting that football, just to spite them.

It was only when he was inside the Manor that he realized he had forgotten which window it had smashed. He thought a moment, and then groaned. Why, of all windows, did it have to be Toon Link's room?

Of all the Links (and there were quite a lot of them), Toon Link had to be the weirdest. Marth didn't know much of his backstory, but one of the other Links had once tried to explain to Marth how Toon Link befriended a highly-eccentric potions-master during the course of his adventures. Obviously the man had left a terrible impression on the young Link, for now Toon Link had a great number of odd hobbies that included collecting rather gross substances for study and mixing. One time Ganondorf had run out of the boy's room screaming, claiming that the "oh-so-good _Hero"_ was performing a vivisection on poor Mr. Bulbin. No one wanted to confirm the rumor, but everyone had avoided him ever since.

And now a football had crashed into his room.

Marth rethought his plan of taking as long as possible and hurried up the stairs. He wanted nothing to do with Toon Link's weirdness. He wanted that weirdness to stay far away. He wanted to get the football and go. So he quickly ran down the hallway to Toon Link's room, knocked only very briefly, and barged in.

A terrible mess greeted him. The football, it seemed, had knocked over furniture, papers, bottles of who-knew-what, and- was that a _brain_?!

Marth didn't actually want to find out. Summoning his courage, he barged into the mess, eyes on the criminal football the whole while. He just had to grab it and go.

He slipped. And fell. And jostled the table.

Something squishy flopped onto his head.

Marth shuddered. Somehow, he knew what was on his head, but he didn't want to look, but he had to... he shook the thing off his head and propped himself in a sitting position, hoping the thing had fallen out of sight.

A fleshy, one-eyed _thing _stared back.

With a scream more girlish than he would ever admit, Marth scrambled back, only to knock over more bottles of potions and slip in them. He landed face-first on the ground, and a host of unpleasant flavors assaulted his tongue. The prince had a major spaz attack getting to his knees, spitting and coughing and scraping the awful tastes off his tongue, but the damage was done. His vision went black.

When he came to, he opened his eyes and found the football looming over him.

_This is a dream. This is a really bad dream, I'll wake up any second, and my day will be normal again. This is a dream this is a dream oh please let this be a dream._

As the minutes passed and Marth found himself unable to move or even see any of his limbs, a terrible sense of doom fell upon him. He caught a flash of light. It was a piece of glass. Filled with trepidation, Marth forced himself to the glass shard by a combination of rolling and... bouncing. He looked into the makeshift mirror.

A spiky black ball with only one eye stared back.

Marth wanted to scream. He was decidedly not sexy anymore.


	2. Chapter 1: Butt Jokes

Disclaimer: I don't own anything I'm writing about!

So, Marth has been turned into a Morth! What will happen this chapter?!

* * *

Chapter 1: Butt Jokes

Marth the Morth bounced around in horror and indignation and a good amount of frustration. First he missed a simple play in football, then he had to go get the football out of Creepy Link's room, and then he got himself turned into a thing! It couldn't even be called a monster since it had no arms, no legs, and no mouth. No, Marth just had to deal with being a bouncing ball of blackness without any form of intimidation or defenses whatsoever until someone managed to find him.

He stopped his spaz attack as that troubling thought crossed his mind. Standing... existing... at a whopping four inches tall, shorter than the football towering over his... "head", Marth had little hope of anyone _finding_ him. What's more, no one would actually recognize him even if someone found him. He would probably get killed by one of the female Smashers, thinking he was a bug. Or maybe a nicer Smasher would kick him out. Or Toon Link might find him and keep him as a pet in a glass jar to stare at creepily forever and ever and-

_New train of thought NEW TRAIN OF THOUGHT. I can't stay in this room, but I have no way to get out except waiting for Toon Link to open the door... I mean, I guess I could try to jump out the window, but could I survive the fall like this? If I don't move I'm sure to starve to death... This has got to be the worst day of my life... _

All energy seemed to leave Marth as he pondered over his options, and he began rolling around in lazy circles, trying to decide what to do.

* * *

"This sucks."

The rest of the football teams had flopped on the ground by this point. Marth thought he was _so clever_, making them wait this long.

"Think he stopped to make out with Zelda or something?" Pit snorted, only to quiet at the flat stare Link gave him.

Samus rolled her eyes. "Zelda would kick his ass if he tried. No, he's probably just butthurt that I took him down and needed to go find his Butthurt Cream to apply to his Butthurt butt so he could come get it kicked again when I beat him a second time."

"You won't be able to kick his ass if he doesn't get it down here fast." Sonic was already in a bad mood after being called out for running at twenty meters per second in order to get an earlier touchdown. "If he takes five more minutes I'm going to make sure to get in a good tackle."

"By what, sprinting at him faster than sound and breaking his ribs?" Ike glared. Sonic glared back. Smashers started to draw their weapons and it seemed like a second, smaller Free-for-all Brawl would start up quite by accident, but as Samus stepped up to mediate the stupid testosterone-saturated men, a terrible sound pierced their taunts and insults, making them all freeze and stare up at a certain broken window.

The terrible noise began innocently enough, like a fangirl's squeal. Then it became an outright scream, which Link swore reminded him of a ReDead. Then the pitch suddenly jumped off a cliff and became a completely evil-sounding cackle, and then it killed the last of any sanity it had left and went into full-blown giggles, complete with the original squealing.

The footballing Smashers on the ground winced with the squeal, shuddered at the scream, shit their pants at the cackle, and stared at one another in horror as the giggling took over. After a complete horrified silence descended on Smash Manor, the two teams stared at each other, all antipathy gone. None of them had any doubt that the one responsible for the noise was Toon Link. Any curiosity about what had incited him to make such a terrible noise was mediated by the fact that it was Toon Link, the weirdest Link of the bunch, in question. But... Marth had gone to get their football. Did Toon Link find the football first? Was he plotting his unholy revenge for his broken window? Was he - oh _gods_ \- was he punishing Marth for the broken window by _torturing_ him?!

"Does... does anybody want to find out what's going on?" Samus asked, drawing her pistol uncertainly.

"Nope," Ike said, hefting his sword. "So let's go find out."

* * *

Frankly, Marth had expected Toon Link to bellow with rage before screaming at the creature on his floor and then go on to squeal like the little freak he was. But no, Toon Link had unexpectedly barged in with a furious look on his face, eyes going straight for the broken window. As the weird hero stormed towards the incriminating football, Marth attempted to scoot backwards into the shadows. Maybe if Toon Link fumed long enough, he could back out into the hallway without being noticed and go find Master Hand...

But then Toon Link noticed him, completely blowing that idea out of the water. He _squealed _\- and it seemed that Toon Link squealed with terror as opposed to the opinion that Morths were adorable, because he skittered backwards until he tripped over the broken bowl of a flask, at which point he screamed. Marth would have cringed, and wondered why a creature without ears had to hear such a horrible noise, but the scream abruptly cut off when Toon Link landed back-first on the ground. Marth watched as the young hero suddenly went quite calm and sat up to survey the mess. His catlike eyes darted around the mess in his room, and from the way the grin grew on his face, Marth assumed that he read something in the mess that Marth could not. Then the little hero began to cackle so magnificently that Ganondorf would have wept tears at being outdone in the evilness realm, and suddenly rounded on the petrified Morth, returning to the original squeal which was now due to sightings of adorables rather than horror.

From nowhere, Toon Link procured a glass bottle in his hands, a manic smile on his face.

_NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE._

Marth got the fuck out of Toon Link's room at the speed of nope, which was actually much faster than he gave this strange body credit for. He seemed to practically glide across the debris over the ground and ended up bouncing at a height equivalent to Toon Link's head, but unfortunately he had misjudged the speed at which he moved and ended up crashing into the wall. Marth internally cringed again, expecting pain, and was pleasantly surprised to learn that this body at least had the upside of dulled pain senses. It felt like he had walked into the wall rather than thrown his entire spherical at the speed of nope into such an unforgiving obstacle, and the rebounding bounces were rather... fun. No! He couldn't think like a bouncy-ball! Toon Link would get him if he didn't hurry up and get out of the room!

_Remember, Marth! You are not a black cyclops bouncy ball you are a sexy handsome prince and this brat is going to pay for being so weird!_ Marth mentally berated himself as he turned and made for the door.

Toon Link bore down on him, glass bottle poised to imprison him. Marth almost thanked the gods that this form did not have a mouth and did not betray another girly scream, but then he remembered that this form was causing all the problems in the first place and should under no circumstances be thanked for ANYTHING. This form did, however, have rather pinpoint maneuverability, and Marth somehow managed to shift his center of gravity (_Wait, I still have that?_) enough to send him flying away from the glass maw that awaited him. Unfortunately, the impulse trajectory sent him further into the bowels of Toon Link's hellhole - er, bedroom - and left Marth with the unenviable task of once again attempting to escape one of Hyrule's chosen heroes, one which not only happened to excel at the art of killing monsters, but had also mastered the art of being _completely insane_.

Vaguely aware that his eye gave off a dim glow, Marth retreated as far as he could beneath the strewn junk to observe Toon Link's movements and come up with a plan. Toon Link saw him roll under the piles of papers, potions, and nobody-wants-to-know-what and narrowed his eyes, but made no move to follow. Of course the Hero would guard the only exit from his room... it made logical sense. Marth rolled around in the junk, wondering what he should do.

He could try to outlast Toon Link, but Marth considered that option dubious because he had no idea how long an obsessed Toon Link would stare him down. He also had no idea how long this... thing that he now was could go without sustenance of some sort. He could try to move to a different vantage point in the room, taking advantage of Toon Link's reluctance to abandon his guard post, but Marth had buried himself quite deep in junk. The task of extricating himself might give Toon Link the opportunity he needed to catch Marth, and that would be the worst thing to happen to him, including getting turned into this pathetic mockery of a monster in the first place! Marth closed his eye and tried to think of other options.

Technically, he could always jump out the window like he had originally intended; after slamming into the door and suffering very little pain, Marth had a bit more confidence that he could survive such a fall. But then he would be outside, exposed to the elements. Who knew how long the creature could last outdoors? Could this form survive in water? Sunlight? Intense heat or cold? Could he even get back inside and reach Master Hand's office unimpeded if he did survive the fall? Marth concentrated harder, eliminating jumping from his options. What exactly was the most direct route from Toon Link's room to Master Hand's office...?

_**BOOM**_

For the third time, Marth almost thanked the gods that he was currently in a shape with no shrieking potential, for whatever had caused the tremendous noise was also responsible for the fact that Smash Manor had seemed to _literally_ fly up a few feet before crashing back down to the ground. Papers flew everywhere, more potions fell off shelves, and Toon Link-

He was _distracted!_

Marth bolted as fast as his imaginary limbs would carrying him, darting right at the wobbling young hero and the door to freedom. The catlike eyes trained on him at the last second but by then momentum carried Marth past the creepy hero before he could react. Warm light bathed the little black ball of severely displeased and panicked prince as he flew into the hallway, slamming against the wall opposite Toon Link's doorway. No, he was NOT going back in there again! He shifted his momentum and flung himself to the other wall at an angle. The impact... actually tickled. Marth tried not to think about it and adjusted his center of gravity again, working on a pattern that would take advantage of the hallway's walls to outpace Toon Link, currently ten feet behind him and... making some horribly disturbing warbling noises. Did he think he was some sort of caveman on a hunt for prehistoric bison?!

Marth bounced from the window to the wall and back again, and then spotted the staircase that led to Master Hand's office. Shit, he would miss the landing if he kept flying this fast and would have to ping-pong around Toon Link's rabid kidnapping attempts until he got it right. Marth desperate began flipping his ball-shaped body in the opposite direction of his flight path, hoping to create enough friction to change his path. It began to work slowly, but work it did. He would make the shot by maybe an inch, but he would land on the next floor down and put enough distance between him and Toon Link to-

...

oh _fuck._

Marth began swearing up a storm that would make sailors blush as he saw about twenty obstacles waiting down below. Apparently, he had taken too long, you know, freaking the fuck out about being a black ball-creature four inches high, because the two football teams had gathered in the landing to discuss how to go about asking Toon Link if the creep had maybe, I dunno, hidden any Marth-esque bodies in the last three hours?

By now Marth was maybe six feet from his landing point, and, though he knew his current hell was about to go to hell again, he decided to appreciate his moment of nirvana and braced for landing.

* * *

"You do realize that if you just barge in his room asking that, you'll not only be admitting your guilt but also probably sentencing Marth to death?" Samus said, raising an eyebrow. Needless to say she did not find Ike's solution to their problem impressive.

"You're still assuming he's alive?" Ike snorted in return. "He's been gone for hours, Toon Link had a weird just now, and no one we asked has seen Marth since our football game began."

Samus wanted to say that they needed to approach Toon Link with a bit more tact. Samus wanted to suggest that they split up to get Master Hand involved, to keep Toon Link occupied, to search his room, to search Marth's room. Samus wanted to point out that they should have a little forethought.

Samus wanted to say all these things, but before she could, everyone else began staring and screaming at something behind her, and something spiny landed on her butt.

"What-?" She turned, trying to see what had landed there, and that's when Toon Link, in all his obsessed, weird, debatable-glory, landed on her chest and slammed a bottle on her nose.

* * *

Yeah. So. This.

It's a thing.

Thanks for the reviews, favorites, and follows from last time!


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